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Limericks

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank, but first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT - that's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the contact us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. And our WAIT WAIT Virtual Comedy Club with Maz Jobrani, Mo Rocca, Helen Hong, Joel Kim Booster and Maeve Higgins live is coming up on March 2. Tickets and more info at nprpresents.org. Join us. We know you're not doing anything else.

Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

TESS CARROLL: Hi, this is Tess from Iowa City, Iowa.

SAGAL: Oh, I love Iowa City. It's where the university is. You know, what do you do there?

CARROLL: I'm a graduate student in poetry at the university.

SAGAL: Oh, wow. You are at the famous Iowa Writers' Workshop, right?

CARROLL: Yeah. Yeah.

PETER GROSZ: Oh, yeah.

SAGAL: That's exciting. And once, of course, you get accepted into the Iowa Writers' Workshop, you're guaranteed a rich and successful career in poetry.

CARROLL: Yeah. yeah.

GROSZ: You'll be on "America's Next Top Poet." I'd see that. That would be awesome.

LACI MOSLEY: Hosted by Tyra Banks.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, Tess, welcome to the show. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks, you'll be a winner. Ready to play?

CARROLL: Yeah.

SAGAL: Here is your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: You know Tampa loves synchronized swim kicks, and Japan doesn't want no old gym tricks. Gold and silver belongs where people are bronze, so let Florida host the...

CARROLL: Olympics.

SAGAL: Olympics...

KURTIS: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Yes.

GROSZ: Wow.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE SOUND EFFECT)

SAGAL: There are some doubts it would be safe to host the Olympics in Tokyo this year. But don't worry, Florida is offering to take the games instead.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: State officials say they have gotten COVID under control using the incredibly effective precaution of just pretending it doesn't exist. And with Disney's Epcot Center, the Olympics can still be in Japan, Mexico, Malaysia and "Fantasia."

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The - actually - a senior Florida official actually went to meet with the Olympic Committee, the International Olympic Committee. And the committee responded by immediately burning all their clothes and sterilizing the meeting room.

GROSZ: (Laughter).

MOSLEY: OK...

GROSZ: Was it an alligator?

MOSLEY: I was about to say, what is a senior Florida official? I'm a senior...

GROSZ: Yeah.

MOSLEY: ...Florida official. You just show up.

(LAUGHTER)

MOSLEY: Whoever gets to the mic first (laughter), you get to talk.

GROSZ: Yeah.

SAGAL: Now, Florida is not discouraged. They're working hard to clear the state entirely of COVID by having everyone die before the opening song.

MOSLEY: (Laughter).

SAGAL: Here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: In mom's tummy, there's plenty of room. I recorded my own baby boom. Now it's toddler-produced. Give the bass a big boost. Here's some tracks that I laid in the...

CARROLL: Womb.

SAGAL: Yes, womb

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Yes, indeed.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE SOUND EFFECT)

SAGAL: Now, if you are annoyed by, say, Billie Eilish for putting out a hit song when she was just 14, you are going to hate musician Luca Yupanqui, who recorded an album in the womb.

GROSZ: Oh, my God.

SAGAL: Luca's parents recorded her sounds in utero using these five-hour meditation sessions and then using, quote, "bio-sonic technology" transcribed the vibrations via synthesizers into music. It's as if they said to themselves, posting baby pictures on Instagram - just not annoying enough.

MOSLEY: (Laughter).

SAGAL: It's so sad. She's - this baby has already gone, like, full rock star burnout, rock bottom.

MOSLEY: (Laughter).

SAGAL: She stumbles around, she drools, she babbles incoherently.

GROSZ: I'm going to start recording the sound of my sperm, and my wife will record the sound of her eggs in her ovaries.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: And we'll do a duet. We'll do "Islands In The Stream."

MOSLEY: (Laughter).

SAGAL: It was adorable. After baby Luca was born, her father cut the umbilical cord, and she immediately started in on her unplugged album.

GROSZ: Aw.

MOSLEY: Nice.

GROSZ: That's nice.

SAGAL: Here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: In Australia, we don't fear a thing, so to Google a lawsuit we bring. If they threaten to leave, we won't quiver or grieve. We'll use Microsoft's search engine...

CARROLL: Bing.

SAGAL: Yes...

KURTIS: Bing.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: ...Bing.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE SOUND EFFECT)

SAGAL: Google has threatened to pull out of Australia thanks to a law requiring them to pay for the news they post online, and the prime minister called Google's bluff. He said that he had had a talk with the head of Microsoft about the entire country switching to their search engine, Bing. Microsoft says they're up to the challenge, saying they can meet the needs of the entire Central European country from Vienna to Innsbruck. Oh, no, wait - that's Austria. Dang it. I should not have Binged this.

(LAUGHTER)

MOSLEY: What does Jeeves have to say about this?

SAGAL: Exactly. Has anybody asked Jeeves his feelings?

GROSZ: (Imitating British accent) No, Australia. No, thank you.

MOSLEY: All I can say in an Australian accent is (imitating Australian accent) laserdisc and (imitating Australian accent) nerve. I don't know why they have that R. I know...

SAGAL: I'm sorry...

GROSZ: Oh, wait - say laserdisc again. That sounded really good.

MOSLEY: (Imitating Australian accent) Laserdisc.

SAGAL: How did it come to be that one of the words you can say in a legitimate Australian accent is laserdisc?

FAITH SALIE: (Laughter).

MOSLEY: (Imitating Australian accent) I once dated an Australian who was in computer technology.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Anyway, the Google-Bing feud is extra-confusing for Australians because the Google Bing is, of course, one of Australia's biggest rivers and also a mammal and also their favorite snack. Bill, how did Tess do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Perfect - she got them right.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE SOUND EFFECT)

CARROLL: Yay.

SAGAL: Yes. Congratulations. And we'll look forward to you when you're a world-famous poet.

CARROLL: (Laughter) Thank you.

SAGAL: Take care, Tess. Bye-bye.

CARROLL: All right. Bye.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "TIE ME KANGAROO DOWN SPORT")

ROLF HARRIS: (Singing) All together now. Tie me kangaroo down, sport. Tie me kangaroo down. Tie me kangaroo down, sport. Tie me kangaroo down. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.